I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.