I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I am, perchance
