I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord