I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window