I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently