Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Wednesday

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

lol

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.