I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️