I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
why no one uses midhusbands
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.