Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened