Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

incredible text to wake up to

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

But is it really??

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot