I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?