I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Every house has this drawer
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me too, bag. Me too….
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.