Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

the only bumper sticker ill allow

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!