Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.