Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree