Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I hope this email finds you in a well

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.