Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.