Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

New nose

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

Probably my best painting.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.