“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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Morningbreath
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”