Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent