“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You Might Also Like
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
#milo
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
mmm onion ringos
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.