I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.