I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
the saddest jazz hands ever
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Asking the real questions!
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.