Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Oh. My. God.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.