Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

There are usually two types of merchants.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.