I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.