I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.