Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*