Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?