Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Air conditioning – not a fan

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings