I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Anyone want a chair?
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born