Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Good morning

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.