I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You Might Also Like
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
not to brag, but mine was free
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious