Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

I don’t believe him.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.