Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

HELP 😭

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.