Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

rapatouille

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

The Friday File.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.

They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.

Well played Canada, well played.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.