Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head