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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
“you recording!?”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..