I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
wish me luck lads
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out