I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times

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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”


Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.


Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.


Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear



Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”


…Apparently I’m God.


I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.


My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.


Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?


Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.


Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.