@numbertze

I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times

You Might Also Like

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@Darlainky

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

@3sunzzz

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

@WilliamRodgers

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

@4SLars

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

@IGotsSmarts

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.