I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.