Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram