I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
gender is a sprctrum
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.