I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The struggle is real.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.