Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good point.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Breakfast for Stoners:

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed