I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler