I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
calling in to work dehydrated
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984