I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
There’s never enough good news
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
groan^2
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.