@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

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@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@TheWeirdWorld

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.