Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.
Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”
I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”
[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.