I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
This is my pinned tweet
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”