I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
For the baby who has everything
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.