I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Wait a minute…
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.