I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained