I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
You Might Also Like
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
is this a warning or an offer?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I just ran a .003048K
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?