I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet