Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.