Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.