Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door