I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON