I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …