Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.