Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).