Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.