i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.