i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Milk Cube
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college