Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck