I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
U talkin 2 me?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
When news reporters do sports stories
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.