Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Risking my life for fun.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Me, flirting😏