I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
You Might Also Like
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes