Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

“you recording!?”

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!