Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!