I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
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Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Lmao
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.