Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

As the Lord intended

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people