Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.